72 Degrees Of Sexiness On Lost

Over the last couple of days, Nerve.com has posted two lists: one rating the sexiness of the primary 25 female characters on Lost and the other doing the same for 40 male characters. Seeing as how the best thing to do when one comes across a good idea is to steal it (and because I disagreed with many of their choices), I now present to you, in order from least sexy to most sexy, those sixty-five characters, plus seven more that were left off.

72) Oldham


Dirty, creepy, and aged without mercy, Oldham is about as unsexy as a manatee reading a Bible.



71) Roger Linus


There's nothing attractive about an alcoholic janitor whose life is based on contempt for his son. You just try and hold me back from jumping his bones.



70) Mother

Here's one of those examples where someone's actions belie their hotness. Allison Janney is an attractive woman, but her unhinged pseudo-mom character makes sex the last thing on your mind.



69) Stuart Radzinsky


Have you ever wondered what David Cross would look like with a little extra ugly, scraggly hair, and a big ol' tub of psychosis? Well that's Stuart for you.



68) Leslie Arzt


Arzt could have gotten some points for being smart, but he knows that fact well enough to erase any sexiness from him.



67) Seth Norris


No matter how much his job may turn your crank, the pilot of Oceanic 815 was only onscreen long enough to see him get mangled by the monster. Okay-looking to start with, it would be hard to call him pretty at all afterward.



66) Mikhail Bakunin


The eyepatch thing works for some people. In this case, it just adds creepiness to a frightening-enough-already guy. Throw in some thinning hair and you've got yourself a real winner.



65) Danielle Rousseau


They say that when one is crazy in the head, they're also crazy in bed, but in this case, I still don't want to find out. While many of the losties end up improving with grime, Danielle actually looked unsanitarily dirty. Then, in the episode "What They Died For" we found out it was hard to forget our disinterest, even seeing her prettied up off the island.



64) Phil


Phil isn't ugly per se, but there's just something off about him. Even if there was a mild attraction, you probably wouldn't want to hook up at his place, since it's probably in his mom's basement. He probably hasn't seen much tail that he didn't pay for.



63) Lennon


With little to none of the charisma and attractiveness of his namesake, Lennon did nothing to make us want him, let alone care when he was killed.



62) George Minkowski


George's attractiveness is susceptible to interpretation. What some people call resourceful, others might call slimy. Either way, he cleans up okay when he's driving Desmond around in the limo.



61) Horace Goodspeed


After spending most of your life chasing badboys, you're now 35, lonely, and the biological clock is ticking. So you hook up with Horace, an okay-looking guy who cares passionately about the people he's responsible. And really, it's possible to do worse.



60) Rose Nadler


While hers and Bernard's relationship is a wholly believable one, I would much rather work with Rose, or be friends with her husband, so I could see her often at parties, but I don't think that there would be much chance of me dipping my fingers in my buddy's kool-aid.



59) Beatrice Klugh


As attractive as she may be, I am more than a little scared of Beatrice. She is incredibly cold and could likely kill me before I knew that I was in danger. I imagine she'd be kind of like Xenia from GoldenEye, if you were to encounter her in the sack.



58) Ethan Rom


While he did turn out to be kind a skeeze, you didn't blame Claire for trusting him in the first place. He can be decent, and passionate enough to overcome his less than studly looks.



57) John Locke


As someone who isn't exactly fit myself, it would be unfair for me to criticize Locke's moobs, but then again, this is a superficial list, so it would be unfair NOT to mention them. And, while bald lock is a vast improvement upon thinning-haired Locke, John comes with way too much baggage to be worth the while.



56) Anthony Cooper


While I myself may not be supremely turned on by Anthony Cooper, I could understand why my grandmother would. He's got charm (balanced out by sleaze) and a way with words, but I wouldn't leave him alone with grandma for a second. And, now that Cooper has once again pulled ahead of Locke, the daddy issues will continue to roll. Then there's the whole left-a-drooling-vegetable-after-the-plane-crash thing from the flashes-sideway, which is going to be very hard to get out of our heads.



55) Achara


Having sex a lot is not, in and of itself, sexy. Actually, considering how easily Achara gave it up to Jack, I wouldn't be surprised if one passed along some kind of fun disease to the other. Furthermore, her insistence on lack of real intimacy made her feel kind of like Julia Roberts "no kissing" rule from Pretty Woman. While Achara has a unique look that many might find attractive, she's also kind of a ho.



54) Caesar


Caesar is intriguing to look at, even if he doesn't make my palms all sweaty. His name seems to imply hispanic origins, although he sounds French, and he looks kind of middle eastern. Then again, he didn't really last long enough to make us care.



53) Edward Mars


While the job would certainly keep him away from home, Edward Mars is somewhere low on the scale between slightly-better-than-okay-looking and eye candy.



52) Cassidy Phillips


Con victim and the woman who made Sawyer a baby-daddy, Cassidy is just attractive enough that you could believe that Sawyer would have reservations about screwing her over. The fact that she's smart enough to figure it out certainly adds some points to her column.



51) Matthew Abaddon


If "sexy" and "suave" were interchangeable, then Matthew Abaddon would be at the top of the list. While he's not unappealing to look at, it's how he moves that grabs your attention. Every movement seems to be practiced to perfection. Even if we don't go home with him, he'd be fun to get onto the dance floor.



50) Benjamin Linus


Bug-eyes and bad glasses aside, Ben is one of the most charismatic characters on the show. He is made up of conflicting traits that make it impossible for him to score higher. He's conniving, ruthless, and kind of funny-looking, but he's clever, witty, and passionate. Plus, his Jason Bourne-esque rampage when he got off the island was just plain cool. You have to admire his dedication to the things he cares about, but, considering his history, I imagine that bumpin' uglies would be short-lived and disappointing.



49) Christian Shephard


Christian is a rake, but it's almost believable to understand why. There's the impressive nature of his career, his semi-dashing good looks, and an incredible knack for getting people to desperately want his approval. I wouldn't be surprised if there were more half-Shephards running around all over the world.



48) Libby Smith


Libby is the accessible kind of attractive that makes her relationship with Hurley feel very possible. It's just that getting there didn't make a whole lot of sense. Immediately, she took to him, even when he was at his most pathetic, which always made me think that there was something else going on. Pretty yes, but do I trust her, no.



47) Michael Dawson


As pretty as Michael might be, it was nearly impossible to feel connected to him. Helplessness, constantly looking like a puppy that just got punched in the kidneys, and murder are not sexy traits.



46) Zoe


Nerve.com actually had Zoe quite near the bottom of their women list, although they did very accurately point out a Tina Fey sort of style about her. I'm curious about Zoe, as to whether she'd look better with or without the Lostie grime. Regardless, she has confidence beyond her appearance, and is incredibly capable.



45) Pierre Chang


Pierre was a good choice to be the face of the Dharma Initiative, with his universally-accepted good looks and Sulu-esque commanding voice. On the other hand, obsession with work bordering on douchebaggery tends to make one less attractive.



44) Dogen


Even though he looks like a walking stereotype, Dogen looks like an attractive walking stereotype. The hair and beard work for him, and it's only his untrustworthy behaviour that prevents him from ascending further.



43) Bernard Nadler


Not only is Bernard handsome enough that we fully endorse Rose's marriage to him, his decision to leave his entire life behind to live, with his wife alone, on an island so that they can be together, a devotion sexy enough to rival Pennie and Desmond.



42) Hugo "Hurley" Reyes


It's at the most unassuming points that Hurley strikes us as sexy. Granted, about 90% of the time, it's even a little embarrassing to see him stuffing his face or running awkwardly through the jungle. But, when the lighting, the mood are right, and the word "dude" isn't anywhere in the script, Hurley becomes kind of a hunk.



41) Amy Goodspeed


I don't really remember enough about her to talk about personality, so I'll admit that this position is for looks only.



40) Tom Friendly


When Tom finally lost the beard, it became kind of an "oh my" moment. Not because the Others were intentionally looking more barbaric than they were, but because, under the chin wig, was a guy who has aged with dignity, and who became the heart of a people who we thought we were supposed to hate. Whether he's tossing around a football with Jack or snogging on some young things on his trip off-island, Tom is a handsome underdog in this race.



39) Man In Black


Born out of truly unfortunate circumstances, the Man In Black nonethless found the ability to groom himself to his ideal gritty attractiveness.



38) Ana Lucia Cortez


Ana Lucia, with her debatable attractiveness, nonetheless exudes a supreme sexual confidence that even Sawyer can't ignore. She know who's looking at her, and she makes you feel like it's a treat when you get to try her out.



37) Harper Stanhope


Zoe is to Tinay Fey as Harper Stanhope is to Priscilla Presley. The hottest member of the Dharma Initiative before Juliet showed up, Harper's status as a devastating bitch is softened when you find out that her suspicions are not unfounded.



36) Paulo


As one half of one of the most-hated couples on television, Paulo feels like he was introduced to appeal to the daytime soap crowd. He's also pretty dumb, but it would be rude to ask him to just shut up and look pretty.



35) Shannon Rutherford


I always resented LOST for trying to push Shannon on me. It felt like they took me into a dark room, shone a flashlight into my eyes, showed me a picture of the cast, and waterboarded me whenever I said that I didn't think she was all that hot. Maybe it was the uber-bitch personality, probably born out of people telling her for two decades that she was beautiful, but I never felt like buying into the hype. Objectively, though, it is certainly possible to do a lot worse.



34) Susan Lloyd


Certainly beautiful, I'm not sure how to feel about her character. When she left Michael, it seemed to transform him into the snivelling pile of whiny that he became. That's not something that I can forgive easily.



33) Charlie Pace


Charlie is like the antithesis of Hurley. Whereas Hurley is supposed to be a slob but occasionally shines through, Charlie felt like a heartthrob who always let us down. His dirtiness always looked like it had more to do with his addiction than island-grime. But, when sitting at a fire, with his hood up, playing the guitar, Charlie always knew how to bring sexy back.



32) Helen


Who could say no to an infinitely supportive girlfriend/wife with a sexy smile and boobs that just won't quit?



31) Eloise Hawking


Wait, what? Sorry, no, I meant the younger one.


Ehhhhhnnn, even still... Let's try going back a little further.


And there's the money shot. Throw on a British accent and you've got the makings of one of the Island's hottest hotties. The lower ranking is due to the more-regular iterations of the elder Ellie's.



30) Naomi Dorritt


A short-lived character, Naomi's pretty face and accent provided some fresh blood to the show, although her sneakiness and possible murderous intentions make her a touch less appealing.

29) Frank Lapidus


Frank is another one who needs conditions to be right to hit maximal sexiness. For him, it's a more elusive ideal. Sometimes the beard is too long, and sometimes it's not there. Then there's the outfit: which is better, the mussed up pilot's uniform or the wifebeater with a Hawaiian shirt? Either way, I don't know many 40+ women who wouldn't like a romp with Lapidus.

28) Goodwinn Stanhope


Goodwinn, despite his double-agent status, got almost as much play as Sawyer on the island. Whether it was his wife, seen above, or Juliet, Goodwinn is the kind of guy who women (or men of a particular persuasion) want to be with, and men want to be.

27) Martin Keamy


Crazy as a loon? Sure. One of the most intense characters on the show with a fantastic voice to boot? Absolutely. Like him or hate him, and I may be the only one on earth who likes him, Keamy is a great villain who, if you don't mind being used and possibly killed afterward, would likely make for a great time.



26) Ilana Verdansky


Despite our frustrations at having new characters introduced so late in the series, Ilana grabbed our attention right away when she started getting freaky with Sayid. Angles and lighting have plenty to do with when Ilana is at her best, but she's certainly not unattractive by any standards.



25) Jacob


Jacob's inherent physical attractiveness (coupled with an undeniable ability to kick ass and take names) is further strengthened by a furious sympathy. Unlike Michael, who won't stop complaining, Jacob accepts his unfair circumstances with dignity. Dude's got character behind that pretty face.



24) Noor "Nadia" Abed Jazeem


Even if she's not our own particular ideal woman, there are few things we believe more than that Sayid's world begins and ends with Nadia. She is a strongly convicted woman, who is able to endure torture without compromising herself.



23) Richard Alpert


Richard is a character that the less we see of, the better. The more familiar we become with him (appearance included), the less mystical he seems. At first, whenever he would show up, the reaction would be "who was THAT!?" but now he's more just one of the group. You can't spell sexy without using at least three letters from "mystery".



22) Sun Kwon


Sun's appeal is one that I don't quite get. I can acknowledge that she's quite attractive, but there's quite a following built up around her. Granted, the progression of the series has been good to her (longer hair being a huge asset), but I'm just not as much on the Sun bandwagon as most.



21) Claire Littleton


Without question, Claire is very very very pretty. And, I may be getting nit-picky here, but she always seems to need to be taken care of. While someone like Charlie may be willing to take on the project, there are sexier things than becoming someone's crutch.



20) Mr. Eko


I'm going to let that picture settle in for awhile. I think it speaks for itself. Now, the only thing working against Mr. Eko is his spiritual convictions. While that may be a turn-on for some, I doubt he'd be up for any pre-marital shenanigans.



19) Charles Widmore


This is not the Charles Widmore I speak of. This one is a murderous jerk, whose English accent is as convincing as a promise from Ben. So why is Charles Widmore so high on the list? Shave thirty years off and you have your answer.





18) Boone Carlyle


Boone was quite a lot like Shannon. It would appear that some of her irritating nature wore off on him, but in exchange, he got some extra pretty. Bonus points for the episode that this picture comes from, when the shaggy hair kicks him up a notch.



17) Juliet Burke


Juliet took awhile to make sense. At first, she was playing the runner-up to guys who were really into Kate, and who can blame them? It wasn't until Sawyer and Juliet hooked up in the past that we started to understand that she could have her own appeal. This sexiness grew enough that when Kate came back, we were resentful of the idea of her rekindling any of Sawyer's old flames. Plus she's got serious brains to boot.



16) Sayid Jarrah


There are things about Sayid's appearance that bug me: his ears and hair being the main perpetrators. That being said, there's a lot to be said for his pretty face, and near-superhuman skillset.



15) Sarah Shephard


Jack's first onscreen project, and failed marriage, demonstrated the kind of lifestyle that he was able to have, as well as his stupidity for letting it slide.



14) Daniel Faraday


The scrawny, chicken-necked thing might not work for you, but how could anyone ignore the devotion that he has for Charlotte and the appeal of a person who understands the world in a way that few people are capable of. Throw in some wicked music-making skills and a skinny tie and you've got a pretty darned sexy nerd.



13) Charlotte Staples Lewis


While seeing her bleed out through the nose a lot was certainly a turn-off, Charlotte is undeniably beautiful in a way that only redheads can be. While some may be angry that she hooked up with Sawyer in the flash-sideways, it was a treat to see her all dolled up, then laying naked in bed.



12) Jin Kwon


Jin is another one who benefits from the shaggy hair, although he looked pretty darned good in his wedding tux as well. Again, devotion to his wife increase the appeal, although he does have a lot of slack to make up for with his near-abusive behaviour from the earlier seasons.



11) Jack Shephard


Jack's a tough one. He's the handsome leading man, with competent job, a way with women, and a natural gift for leadership. It's actually this perfection that makes people so darned resentful of him. Even in flaw, he acts like you would expect a "hero" to. Despite these accusations of unbelievable perfection, there's still satisfaction in seeing him conquer evil and kick ass.



10) Nikki Fernandez


Irritating and disposable Nikki is the second half of the aforementioned hated power-couple. Introduced alongside Paulo in the second season, her eye candy status was much more successful, and her antics were substantially less irritating.



9) Miles Straume


While Miles has never really shown the ability to create any kind of substantive relationship, he is 1) very easy on the eyes and 2) a diluted enough bad boy that we feel like the project of breaking down barriers would be worth it. And, if it isn't, he's still good for some one-liners.



8) Kevin Callis


Just like Sarah Shepherd showed off the errors of Jack's ways, Kevin Callis was proof that Kate is beyond damaged. Seemingly blissful in their marriage, Kate somehow decides to poison and abandon her husband, even after he shows signs that he will support her, even in her criminal escapades. They say that repeating the same behaviour over and over again is a sign of insanity. I'd say that walking away from a relationship with Nathan Fillion is a better one.



7) Cindy Chandler


Little mentioned former flight attendant Cindy is often just in the background, protecting the children. Whether she's gussied up in Other-ware or looking fine in the stewardess outfit, she's a character we'd like to see more of (both narratively and bodily).



6) Alex Rousseau


Alex has been left off of Nerve.com's list because her character is supposed to be 15. That's fair, I can understand not wanting to come across looking like a peen. I, however, can't just ignore that face in compiling this list. While there is certainly some irritation at Alex's whiny behaviour, she is devastatingly beautiful, with a smile that could charm the pants off of anyone.



5) Liam Pace


Whether coked out or living it large in the 'burbs, Charlie's brother made everything Charlie did look cooler. While we maybe had less patience with him, courtesy of Charlie's frustrations, we know things turned out well for him. Liam's continued concern for his brother deepens our fondness for him.



4) Penelope Widmore


Incredibly beautiful, and with what may be the best voice/accent combo on the show, Penelope is someone we'd be willing to step in front of even Desmond to get to know. Really putting her over the top is her smile, which makes it feel like any struggle in the world is worth her happiness. Penny is truly a woman worth fighting for.



3) Kate Austen


Kate's sexiness has little to do with her actions. In fact, for all intents and purposes, she is a despicable character who toys with others in a constant struggle to find what may be an impossible feeling of resolution and completion. With little regard for others, it would be quite easy to hate Kate. The problem is how absolutely, mind-blowingly hot she is. Evangeline Lilly could very easily be one the most attractive people on the planet, allowing Kate to prove once and for all that it's what's on the outside that counts.



2) Desmond Hume


Desmond is the only one who could compete with Penny for best accent. In his case, his voice exudes charm, while his face invites frequent ogling. Desmond's most incredible attributes, however, are his dedication to improvement and his unceasing love for Penny. Desmond has hit many road bumps, but every time we see him, he comes back stronger and sexier than before.



1) James "Sawyer" Ford


I can hear the complaining now. "Really? After all that you're going to go with the easy pick?" But, after careful deliberation, particularly about the top 2, I really do think that Sawyer deserves the top spot. Right from the beginning, he was the island's hunk. Immediately, the need to nuzzle his pecs was overwhelming. Then he would go and do something manly like cut down a tree and half the audience would need to go change their underwear. Then, like Desmond, he started to grow. We always knew that he couldn't be a bad-boy forever, but his maturation and unassumed intellect continued to surprise us and tug at our heart strings. His self-awareness, confidence, and 99.99999999th percentile manly hotness make him the deserving sexist lostie of them all.