*why the eff is there a silent "n" in Thornton?
**actually, that one sounds kind of fun
***write
19) Sharknado
It's just not good. You know it, I know it, and no matter how intentional its terribleness is, I could never actively recommend watching something because it's bad. Sure, sometimes its over-the-top-ness is entertaining. Who doesn't want to see a flying shark get sawed in half with a perfectly time chainsaw swing? But, there's a difference between being silly and just being awful.
18) Oz: The Great and Powerful
I remember seeing the trailer for Oz and thinking to myself that 'You know what, you need to stop being such a snob. Why can't you just learn to appreciate a movie as a piece of visual art, you insufferable twat?'* So, I really really tried to like watching Oz but I just can't do it. It's ambitious and often gorgeous but it's also senseless and tedious. Oz is a fun, beautiful world to fall into, especially in its excellent 3D but a dull story, unfunny comedy, and unsympathetic characters do not a classic make.
*fun fact, "twat" becomes eight times classier when it rhymes with "hat"
That being said, Zach Braff's monkey character is awesome.
17) Texas Chainsaw
The fact that I barely remember this movie probably says a lot about its quality but I do remember being surprised at at the parts when I did enjoy Texas Chainsaw. I remember a few moments of real tension, I remember some creative dismemberments* but I also remember a frustratingly complacent protagonist and, oddly enough, I remember a fair amount of Apple product placement. That second part isn't such a big deal but it always frustrates me to see characters witness unprecedented, insane, ultra-violence and just brush it off like it ain't no thang.
*which Google's autocorrect** doesn't recognize in the plural
**also not recognized by Google's dictionary
I'm told this is the "best Texas Chainsaw movie since the original." It's the only one I've seen and I'm glad that I didn't pay for the ticket.
16) The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
I'll be the first to admit that I don't care much for the book The Hobbit. Literary discontent notwithstanding, I believe that movies likes this should stand on their own, without intertextual dependency on their source material. Desolation of Smaug just doesn't. Before I rag on it too hard, though, I'll give it its dues.
The dragon looks friggin' amazing. I am in absolute awe of the artistry and digital craftsmanship that went into creating such a fearsome, lifelike, epic creature. Also, the battles were pretty fun too.
But, that's about it. Otherwise, the movie is somehow stretched between two seemingly incompatible extremes: tedium and clutter. It's hard to explain but Desolation of Smaug is packed to the brim with too many characters and stories, barely any of which are interesting to watch. Bilbo is barely in it, despite being the absolute best part of An Unexpected Journey; dwarves who never spoke before now have half-baked personalities; and Gandalf runs off to give Tolkein fans a nerd boner while the rest of us wonder what the hell is going on. The only plots I enjoyed following were those of Bard and Tauriel and even there, I'm still not sure whether I actually cared or whether I'm just enraptured by two ridiculously attractive specimens of humanity.
And, of course, next December, my ass will be back in that seat, watching it all wrap up.
15) Riddick
Riddick gets by on points for sheer entertainment. It's not a compelling story, I couldn't care less about the characters (except maybe Riddick's adopted alien jackal-hound friend) but the 10-year-old boy inside of me just couldn't get over how cool the whole thing was.
Riddick is always teetering on the edge of absolute riddick-ulousness* but Vin Diesel's unwavering commitment to the intensity of the title character somehow makes it enjoyable. It's all about kicking ass and taking names on a neat looking alien world. Take it for what it is and don't expect anything else.
*pun
14) The To-Do List
The To Do List takes a story that has been told hundreds of times before (a high school student wants to lose her virginity before going off to college), fills it with tons of clichés from the kinds of movies that have told that very same story, but makes a point of standing out in its blunt, candid discussion of sex. With this movie, we get to see some of the real awkwardness that comes from discovering one's own sexuality during the already uncomfortable years of teenagedom.
The film also tries to create its own identity by very specifically and pointedly setting itself in the 90's. Sometimes this gets played up for nostalgic laughs but it feels like it's slapping you in the face, insisting on you laughing at 90's culture because... 90's.
13) Oblivion
In a year where I have now seen Oblivion, Mission: Impossible II, and Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol, I have learned that while I will likely never be able to call myself a Tom Cruise fan, I can generally count on him to involve himself in serviceably entertaining popcorn fare. While I wasn't blown away by the action or the sci-fi twists of Oblivion, I had an alright time watching it and found myself immersed in the post-apocalyptic world that it creates.
12) World War Z
To be effective, a movie needs your sympathy. You need to be able to invest in a character's situation and feel something for them. In the beginning, I wanted so hard for Brad Pitt's character to rustle up his family and get the hell out of zombie Dodge. The opening scene where everything hits the fan and his family is nearly torn apart due to the insanity and chaos was almost too tense to bear.
Then, when Brad Pitt* is sent off into the world to figure out the solution, that sympathy starts to slip away. We get glimpses of caring back whenever he tries to get in touch with his family again but he also has an insane, uncanny ability to be the only remaining survivor of an absurd number of zombie attacks and infestations.
*or whatever the hell his character's name is. Ambassador Invincible, we'll call him.
The movie is at its best when things are tense and frenetic. Unfortunately, someone decided to stick a story in there, too.
11) The World's End
What could possible be wrong with this movie? We're reuniting Simon Pegg and Nick Frost with do-no-wrong director Edgar Wright? *AND* we're throwing Martin Freeman into the mix? This sounds like the perfect combination to match, if not outdo, Shaun of the Dead or the even more incredible Hot Fuzz. Except... not so much.
It's interesting to see Simon Pegg take a turn as the wastrel layabout but this time, instead of the whimsical violence and comic darkness we're used to from these guys' collaborations, we get whimsical violence and genuine darkness. It's still fun but it's got a real sadness at its core which takes away from the enjoyment without replacing it with too much actual emotional resonance. Instead of dark quirkiness, we get quirky darkness, albeit with the same flash and style that Wright's movies always have.
10) Pacific Rim
It seems that it was a popular sin this year to make really cool stuff happen in front of my eyes but absolutely punish me for thinking about what I'm watching. In no movie is this more apparent than in everyone's favourite giant robot vs. interdimensional creature feature, Pacific Rim. Apparently there is a scale whereupon crap can be measured against awesomeness and somehow, despite alllll its dullness and flaws, Pacific Rim weighs heavier on the side of awesome.
So much care and craft is put into the battles between the jaegers* and kaiju** that there is just a mutual understanding between the movie makers and the audience that, yes, there does have to be a story tying this thing all together, but don't worry, we'll get to the robots soon. And for some reason,*** we agree that this is an acceptable practice.
*Megazords
**Godzilla
***Idris Elba
9) Warm Bodies
I think a lot of people were like me when they approached Warm Bodies. It was Valentine's Day and being an unoriginal husband, my go-to date is dinner and a movie. Being February, and considering that Identity Thief looked dumb as hell, Warm Bodies seemed like the obvious choice. Figuring that it would be Twilight with zombies, I was prepared to glaze through it and find any endearing qualities I could.
As it turns out, Warm Bodies, was my sleeper surprise for this year. It's cute and sweet but always keeps preciousness at bay by coupling it with hyper violence. This elevates it above typical rom-com fare. The movie is greatly carried by Nicholas Hoult. Sure, we know where his character is going but he makes the transformation from corpse to love interest an endearing one to watch.
8) This Is the End
**I couldn't find a single cool variant poster for this movie
I have always wanted to write a sentence that contains the phrase "is the cinematic equivalent of," so here goes. This Is the End is the cinematic equivalent of watching Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, James Franco, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, and Jonah Hill sitting in a circle, jerking off the guy on their right but punching, poking, and mocking the guy on their left, doing anything they possibly can to prevent him from achieving orgasm.
It's all just a clusterfudge** of cameos, references, and insults, set in the middle of an Apocalypse. The movie only really dips when the characters start dealing with their circumstances instead of talking about how famous and douchey they all are.
**fuck
7) Star Trek Into Darkness
Lately, I've been allowing the Internet to convince me that I didn't enjoy Star Trek Into Darkness but the more I think about it, the more refreshed I get in my fondness for it. It's like there's a tug-of-war between what everybody else thinks and the adoration I had upon my first viewing.
I'll get an obvious statement out of the way: No, it's not as good as the 2009 movie. It's not surprising when a movie fails to live up to its predecessor. But, what I did love about Into Darkness was its heart. One of the best parts of the "original"* Star Trek was the opening scene when Thor sacrifices himself to save the crew of his ship. I felt an even stronger emotional response when *SPOILERS* Kirk sacrifices himself to save his own ship. In a scene that could have been mind-numbingly hokey, Into Darkness somehow references The Wrath of Khan and ripped my heart apart at the same time.
*rebooted
It's a formula that works. Take a lovable team of misfits, throw them into a space adventure, add a few glaring plot holes, then make the whole thing gorgeous enough to ignore any problems with the story.
6) Thor: The Dark World
In Thor: The Dark World, everything just clicks. In the original Thor, we saw several glimpses of what could become a really enjoyable Asgardian adventure and The Dark World seems to learn its lessons. There's a lot of fat-cutting and what's left is simply entertaining.
Tom Hiddleston's Loki is the best part of the series? Okay, let's put him in more. Thor's too unrelatable and inhuman? Perfect, we'll put in just enough Natalie Portman to make us still root for him. Thor's hilarious when he's trying to settle into the human world? Amazing! Let's somehow make Thor's interaction with a coat hook one of the funniest things I've seen all year.
It's exciting but funny, heartfelt but not heavyhanded. It's a summer blockbuster that figured out the recipe and follows it to a t.
I cannot, however, left it unsaid that the Collector scene in the credits was really awkward, terrible, and out of place. It looked like a deleted scene from an early season of Xena.
5) We're the Millers
On a whim, we rented this movie and I am still surprised by how much I enjoyed it. A huge part of its success, is in all those worlds tumbling out of Jason Sudeikis' mouth. Considering his penchant for improv, it's hard to say whether he or the scriptwriters deserve credit for the smarmy sarcasm he uses to push the movie forward but there are few ways to entertain me more than sharp wit from a disenfranchised white guy.
The plot itself is ridiculous, which is great for a comedy. There are jokes about orcas, strippers, spider-bitten testicles, incest, ear-fucking and other things I've never considered laughing about before. We're the Millers actually feels original and creative in its comedy and I am grateful for having stumbled across it.
4) Iron Man 3
Iron Man is still, for me, the landmark of what a superhero movie can be. Iron Man 2 is still, for me, the landmark of how quickly a franchise can turn to crap. I had standards low but hopes high for Iron Man 3 and I feel strongly about its ability to deliver.
Moreso than other movies in the genre, the Iron Man franchise seems at least willing to participate in conversations about topical issues. The main one that resonates with me from Iron Man 3 is the dissemination of information. While I understand the rage of fanboys at the creative decisions that turned *SPOILERS* Mandarin from a bejeweled science magician from China into a red herring for all the world's woes, it brought to light the potential for falsehood in our informationally overloaded world. The more connected we are, the easier it becomes for individuals to deceive us for personal gain. Information is a commodity and a weapon, not just the freely exchanged communication fuel we always think it is.
Beyond the politics, the movie is quick and slick and stunning to look at. Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark continues to be the essential, charismatic central figure in the Disney/Marvel filmiverse and, unlike his last solo outing, stands just fine on his own, thank you very much.
3) The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Like I was saying earlier about Thor: The Dark World, Catching Fire takes everything that worked in the first film, trimmed the fat and added a whole lot more emotional investment. Everything in Catching Fire is ramped up to 11. Katniss is duking it out with the President directly. Dudes are getting shot in the street for speaking out against the government. Peeta becomes someone we genuinely care about. Everything's gone crazy!
Catching Fire's broader political story adds further gravity to the life of a character we were already so endeared to. Instead of just being the next chapter of a saga, the second movie raises the stakes, performs even stronger, and creates one of the best movie experiences of the year.
2) Frozen
This is a late entrant to the list. I saw Frozen yesterday and have fallen in love with it. You always hear about "Disney magic" and I just assumed that I knew what it was about. I thought that it was the nostalgic lens through which I see the Disney movies from my childhood. But I realize now that it's more than that. Frozen left me with a feeling of real wonder.
In terms of its artistry, Frozen is absolutely beautiful. There were moments where I had to remind myself that what I was watching was animation. Every second looks wonderful and perfect. Every character and scene is crafted with such precision that I could not, for a second, stop enjoying what I was seeing.
Even more than its stunning visuals, I loved the story that the movie told and the creative decisions that were made, especially near the end. Frozen makes a point of leading you along a typical Disney path before taking turns in the best ways imaginable. Conventions of villainy and love are introduced and cast aside in a powerful way that addresses a lot of the gender issues that haunt the classic Disney canon.
Frozen is a beautiful progression that sets a new standard for not only animation but also the Disney method.
1) Gravity
Gravity may be the craziest goddamn movie I have, and ever will see. While some movies are about telling a story, sharing information, or arguing a point, Gravity is, at its core, a unique, exhilarating, and terrifying experience. If there is still a 3D IMAX or AVX theatre near you showing this movie and you haven't seen it, go do it now. I'll wait.
Gravity does an incredible job of sharing Sandra Bullock's character's experience with you, largely due to its incredible technical prowess. So much time is spent in her first person that her emotions become inseparable from our own. At first, space looks indescribably beautiful. Then it becomes agoraphobic in its vastness before turning into an unrelenting monster of violence and doom. It's uncomfortable, it's wonderful, it's gripping, and it's stressful. It is a masterfully crafted experience that deserves to be witnessed. That is why it is the best movie of 2013.
No comments:
Post a Comment