Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack The Ripper

This is a game that I never knew existed until I bought it. While scouring the shelves at EB Games or wherever, I was too intrigued (or capitalism-inclined) to pass up such an intriguing-sounding game for the scant twenty or thirty-odd dollar asking price. I've never been an enormous fan of Sherlock Holmes and the only thing I knew about Jack The Ripper came from From Hell but it struck me as incredibly enticing to solve one of the world's most famous unsolved mysteries as the world's most famous detective. And, by the end, that's exactly what you get.

After finishing the game and reading a little more about it, I came to appreciate it even more. As it turns out, the game is either incredibly well-researched or just well-researched enough to convince me that it's incredibly well-researched. The victims, the crime scenes, the maps, and many of the characters are real individuals who found themselves wrapped up in the whole Jack The Ripper phenomenon. Herein lies one of the game's most triumphant successes but also its biggest dilemma.

As I said before, part of the thrill of buying the game was taking on a real crime committed by a real criminal. Had I known the level of authenticity that was present in the game while I was playing it, I imagined I would have been even more enthralled with the experience. Sure, I knew that there were going to be some murders committed by someone who I was eventually going to catch but I had no idea that I would be investigating suspects who were actually held for questioning for the murders. In fact, one of my least favourite parts of the game was that there just happened to be this guy running around Whitechapel (where the crimes were committed), who happened to have a collection of uteri. I thought that he was a really bad red herring character but, as it turns out, Francis Tumblety was in Whitechapel at the time and did make a point of whipping out his genital specimens at dinner parties. We get to a problem, however, when, under this lacquer of authenticity, it comes time to say whodunit.

At present (according to Wikipedia), there are over a hundred people who are considered to possibly be Jack (or Jill) The Ripper. So, when making an accusation about the identity of the murderer, there are really two choices. The first is to just make someone up but the second is to choose one of the people who really existed around that time and put it all on them. The second theory is the one that Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack The Ripper adopts but it sits quite uncomfortably for me. Because the game puts such stock in its accuracy, its suggestion that the game's killer is, in fact, the real Jack The Ripper. It's not as though the game simply takes the real characters and shakes them up to see where they land. No, the investigation follows a similar progression to the real police work that followed the Whitechapel Murders. You even go so far as to exonerate some of the real world's suspects for the same reasons that they were released back in real 1888.

Where this becomes a problem is that I have never heard of the person who you end up discovering, in the game, is Jack The Ripper. And, now that I have heard of him, the only context that I have for his entire existence is the notion that he is a serial killer. It's not easy to say for certain but there is certainly an argument for the fact that obscurity in history is better than infamy. Rather than leaving this mentally ill man alone, his name is being brought up 130 years later for the sake of being accused of being one of the most reviled figures in English history. Now, I'm not saying that the person accused in this game is not Jack The Ripper. It's about as possible that he is as it is for it to be anyone else. It just seems irresponsible to drag someone's name so thoroughly through the mud for the sake of adding just that much more authenticity to the game. This was a real person, whose last years were spent in an asylum, whose, thanks to this game (and other theorists) lasting legacy is being accused of a murder. Now, because of this game and its remarkably structure, I think he did it, even though he probably didn't. While the game certainly does have its problems, you're convinced by the end that you have the real suspect, that you've ended his reign of terror, when instead, all you've done is associated a real figure to a real crime because of fictional connections that have been sprinkled with truth. If it wasn't intended as entertainment, I would say it was evil.

Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist

Many moons ago, my family and I had a demo disc, showcasing all sorts of different Sierra On-Line products and games. I spent hours trying out games, from The Castle of Dr. Brain to The Even More Incredible Machine. The one demo that stood out, though, was Freddy Pharkas, a short, single-puzzle demonstration that was almost painfully self-aware of its existence as a demo. After finishing it, the narrator would taunt you, saying that if you want to find out what happens next, you'll just have to buy the full game, now won'tcha?

In retrospect, there was absolutely no reason that I should have liked that demo or the game itself (which we eventually bought), not because it's not good, but more because I was six when it came out, so a game riddled with clever humour and at least 5 prostitutes (one of whom is a sheep) should have gone right over my head. More than likely it was the poo jokes that kept me coming back for more, but even at the tender age of however old I was, I was able to identify (although I certainly couldn't have explained it) the satire the game offers.

I loved 90's Sierra On-line adventure games. I would certainly have to take my socks off to count the number of games put out by that company that I have played and enjoyed. So, after having played games like King's Quest VI into the ground, with its familiar Walk/Look/Touch/Talk gameplay, it was possible to notice and appreciate how much fun the makers of Freddy Pharkas were having in toying with the conventions.

As a for example, many games end up seeming a bit absurd due to their inventory. In many cases, people are able to carry substantially more than any rucksackless person should be able to have on their person at any one time. Rather than being more responsible with their inventory, Freddy just goes crazy with it. At various points, you grab hold of such outrageous items as a full-sized ladder and even (literally) a hundred large bags of baking soda. All of this is accompanied by a funny narration describing your pants stretching and tearing under the pressure of carrying such large items.

The game goes even further, incorporating characters and references to other Sierra games. These aren't exactly subtle references either. Unless you are aware of the Leisure Suit Larry series and have played King's Quest V, your gigglebox is going to be SOL when those cameos appear.

Before I rag on some of the game's shortcomings, I should say that it's funny. References and inventory aside, it's a game that rewards looking closely at things (and I mean that literally, as in clicking the eye icon on everything you come across), as a respectable amount of time has gone into providing funny, punny explanations for the world around you. The humour doesn't always hit its mark (racial stereotypes, ahoy!), but you'll certainly get more of a chuckle than you would doing another playthrough of Gears Of War. Although I originally played the game in its CD-ROM form, about 15% of the non-character dialogue was trimmed during the transfer to voice-over, resulting (according to Wikipedia) in a substantial amount of jokes being cut. So it's a toss-up. The voice acting is pretty great, but so are the jokes.

I ran into a couple of problems during the four or so hours it took to see the game the whole way through. One of them was just a little glitch when I tried to enter the saloon during a stage where it was integral for me to get inside. In clicking the door, I was moved to the inside of the door but never changed screens. Using the walk button resulted in me walking up and down the face of the saloon until I eventually re-exited then re-entered the bar without a hiccup. It really didn't affect anything, but it made for a fun couple of seconds playing Spider-man all over the entrance.

The other problem I ran into was that the game just kind of gave up. At one point, everything just stopped and I was returned to DOS with no explanation as to why. Re-loading the game I had no problem re-starting, but, since I hadn't saved the game in awhile there was an irritating amount of replay needed before I caught up. It's often said when playing these kinds of games that one should "save early, save often" and it's very very true.

I suppose before I wrap things up I should explain what the game is about, but the title already tells you everything you need to know. You're a cowboy-turned-pharmacist, forced out of retirement when your town comes under attack from a mysterious threatening force. Half the time you solve your problems with pistols and ass-kickery, but the first half of the game requires you to practice pharmacology. Hell, the first Chapter of the game is dedicated to filling prescriptions for various townsfolk. These parts of the game are half semi-tedious puzzle problems, half theft deterrent. In order to know how to fill these prescripts, you need a copy of the manual that comes with the game. Without the manual, you're screwed (or, at least, you would have been in 1993, as long as you didn't have access to the internet... I have a vague recollection of logging onto CompuServe to look up a walkthrough), but even with it, you're still spending a good 15% of the game looking at your pharmacy table, mixing potions and whatnot.

But, if it sounds like I'm whining, I'm not. I enjoyed playing the game again, even though, after finishing it so many times in my youth, the whole experience was on auto-pilot. Game Informer called it one of the best adventures games of all time. I probably don't agree, but if were drawing on a ratio of satirical self-awareness versus game quality, it certainly takes the top spot.

Rating: 3.25 stars

Pokémon Red

When it comes to nostalgic recollection, there is little that I remember more fondly than my fascination and adoration of Pokémon. The obsession definitely flourished in the later years of elementary school, when I would come home, have an after-school snack of Heinz Pokémon pasta while watching Pokémon on YTV, but it all began with this wonderful game.

I remember the first time I beat the game. I had brought my Game Boy to school with me to play during recess. Keep in mind when I say I had a Game Boy, I mean I had a Game Boy, with a battery pack the size of my fist.



There was enough equipment involved in playing the game that I needed a carrying case to hold it all in. I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't ever a time that certain books got left at home to make room for the Game Boy.

But, there was a story here. So this one recess, after hours and hours of gameplay, I was finally in a situation where I was going to beat the main story of the game. It was a rainy day, so recess was in the gym and I was keeping to myself finishing the game. When I finally beat my rival trainer to claim the title of Pokémon Champ, one of my schoolyard peers passed by, jostling the battery pack chord just as the game was saving, prompting a total restart of my game, including the loss of all saved data. I was the first one of my friends to beat the game, and now, I had to start from scratch.

Well, it's now years later, my Game Boy is about half the size (and purple, and colour), but, on a whim, not wanting to bother to dig it back up, I downloaded a Game Boy emulator and started playing on my computer. Starting from the beginning, as I probably have a dozen times now, I was determined to see the game through, which is not always an easy promise to keep.

As much as I love the game, it also presents a tedium unlike anything else I have ever experienced. Soon after the beginning, there's the first of several sections that makes it clear that this isn't just a game, it's a commitment, and possibly even a lifestyle choice. After the first major accomplishment in the game (winning the Boulderbadge by defeating Gym Leader Brock), a feat that requires its own patience, you end up in a cave, where every twelve or so steps you take, you are attacked by either an angry bat (Zubat) or a seriously pissed off anthropomorphic boulder (Geodude). Moving beyond this cave requires the ability to realize that games don't have to be fun to be fun. There is gamer rage aplenty to be had as you venture deeper into the cave, surviving the barrage of dozens of wild Pokémon. And, if you get to a point where you feel that it would be dangerous to continue, you have to cover all that ground again, backward, fending off an identical series of assaults. By the time you finish, your Pokémon are jacked up considerably, unless, of course, you've shut the game off because you just can't handle the idea of being tackled by another Geodude.

I realize that I'm not really doing much critiquing here in this review, more just talking about the experience of playing, but I don't know if it's possible for me to do a better job, mainly because the game is so engrained in my being. It would be like writing a review of my mom.

This time playing, I approached the game in a way that I never had before, which I'm pretty sure is the way it's intended. In the past I had always just developed, raised, and invested in the first six Pokémon I came across (unless I caught some really high level new one). This time, I made a point of catching every new Pokémon I came across and training it until it evolved. By the time I beat the "Elite Four" and my rival to beat the game, I had a total of 91 Pokémon captured. Only when I ran out of unevolved monsters did I focus on building up the stronger ones I already had.

In case you're curious, my final lineup looked like this.

Kabutops (Level 46)
Muk (Level 46)
Rhydon (Level 46)
Rapidash (Level 47)
Venusaur (Level 57)
Pidgeot (Level 69)

It took 51 hours and 37 minutes, but, once again, I've played and beaten the game. So, I should be good without a Pokémon fix for another 5 years or so. But, when it comes back, and it will, likely until I die, I'll re-obsess, and play every chance I get until, once again, I am the Pokémon champ.

Dark Fall: The Journal

"What the hell is this?" you might ask. I know that before yesterday, I had no idea what Dark Fall was, and the only reason that I found it was because we were in the mood for something scary, but didn't feel like watching a movie. So, into Google went the phrase "scariest PC game ever" and on two consecutive lists that we found, this game was at the top. So, $9.99 and a digital download later, here we go.

You get a call from your brother, asking for your help, as something creepy is going down in the place where he is. Beyond that, you don't get a whole lot of help. Next thing you know you're in a train tunnel, being spoken to by, what we assume is, the ghost of a young boy. He tells you enough information to tell you which way to go but that "you'll find out more later." It seems kind of rude for this kid, who I've just met, to be withholding information, especially when he's asking me for help, but we'll ignore that for now.

So off you go, wandering around the train station, and eventually, a hotel, where you're encouraged to simply try to figure out what the hell's going on. This is where the game gets its most successful. Because you don't really know anything, except that the fact that people have gone missing (and, based on what the boy told you, they're being killed) all of the knowledge you have is that you're likely in danger, too. There's a lingering sense of threat and anticipation, so every time a light goes off or there's a creak in the floorboards, you figure that finally, this is when you're going to get it. This is where the big supernatural baddy is going to show up and yell "boo." So sure, points for atmosphere, but, regrettably, after about 3 hours of this, you start to catch on that nothing's happened so far, so why would it now? The creepiness dissipates into the back of your mind as you become more familiar with the looping sound effects as you visit and re-visit rooms since, without a walkthrough, you're going to feel very very lost.

The game is insanely unstructured, promoting a whole lot of wandering. Every so often you find a hint as to how you should proceed, but there's a good chance that you've already finished the puzzle it's trying to guide you toward. If you get stuck, chances are it's because you've missed a point-and-click hotspot, like, in my case, not giving any thought to a gap in a decrepit-looking fence. After checking (ie. cheating), I realized that there was a sizable chunk of information and scenery that I had missed which was intended to be found much earlier in the game. I certainly appreciate the ability to walk around and make my own decisions, but when I find out elementary information several hours in, I wonder why nobody pointed me in the right direction.

The again, most of the information that you get is supplementary and won't do you much good when it comes to finishing the game. If you're the type of person who loves to read and absorb all sorts of information in order to develop a deeper understanding of your situation, you will be pig-in-shit thrilled. But, if not, you'll play like me and, when something is going to be more than two pages long, skip past it and guess when it comes time to use any of the information you would have gathered.

The gameplay is a lot like Myst or 7th Guest, with the player able to face in one of four directions and carry a small amount of inventory. Focusing more on tone and sound, the game offers a very limited amount of animation. At times, when using inventory (like a key), you'll see it go into a lock and turn, but beyond that, and occasional flying specks of light, the visuals are pretty much fixed.

There's one other thing that I dug about the game, and that was the need to use a pencil and paper. It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to write down information or puzzles to solve, but, by the time we finished, there was a great-looking piece of 8.5x11 that was absolutely littered with words, substitution puzzles, and sketches of runes.

As for these websites claiming that this was the scariest game ever, I neither agree nor disagree. As mentioned before, the creepiness can get wearisome, although discovering new rooms always brings a refreshed sense of excitement. I was expecting a jump-scare or two instead of just atmospheric worry, but, I can't really think of any other game that scared me more.

The Secret Of Monkey Island: Special Edition (XBox 360)

Sometimes, after you've finished putting dozens of hours into a video game, you're just looking for something light and fluffy to kill some time. You're not looking for another Fallout 3 or Mass Effect to take over your life, you just want to have some fun. So, in browsing through the games for download on XBox Live Arcade, you see a title you recognize.

Switching over to the first person now, I hadn't ever actually played any of the Monkey Island games before, but I'd heard good things, mainly in elementary school, so I figured what the heck, it should be good for a larf.

So, after starting it up, THUMP, you're right into the game. And, by right into the game, I mean you're randomly on a cliffside, talking to some random old man. You ask him how to be a pirate and he tells you to go talk to some other pirates. So you go talk to the other pirates, and they tell you what you need to do for consideration into their ranks. The story goes on from there, pursuing those requirements, onto a rescue mission to reclaim your love interest, eventually to the pits of hell below the titular Monkey Island, then back again for a final encounter with the Ghost Pirate LeChuck. Pardon me if I'm not sounding too enthusiastic.

I had a few beefs with this whole experience. For one, a lot of the time is spent scrolling your mouse back and forth across the screen trying to find hot spots that you'll be able to interact with. This is most frustrating once you get to Monkey Island, where I spent way too many minutes going over the screens I'd found with a fine-toothed comb, only to eventually realize that there were some screens that I hadn't found because I hadn't taken my fine-toothed comb technique to the world map. This frustration happens more than once, including one particularly memorable time toward the end of the game when you have to gain entry to a sacred giant monkey head. Generally, when I'm playing a puzzle/adventure game, I want the solutions to be logical, and, when I finally figure them out, I want to smack myself on the forehead and feel silly for not having realized it before. However, at no point did I feel any inclination toward facial abuse, thinking "Of course! Why didn't I think to put my mouse over that quarter-inch section of the screen that showcases the nose on a totem pole, which MUST be the secret way to enter that monkey head." No, sir.

And then there's the silliness of the game itself. Because the game is self-aware, it seems to forgive itself for not being able to be taken seriously. On at least two occasions, Guybrush (that's you) makes reference to how the player has gotten ripped off by buying this game. We chortle at the self-reference, although, I was secretly agreeing. Having purchased the game 18 years after its release, I paid a whopping $9.99. Guybrush's jokes talk about how the player's been had for having to pay $54.99 or some similar amount. I do not disagree with him. But, as I mentioned, this meta-humour seems like it's trying to balance out the absolutely absurd aspects of the game. As a for example, at one point, you're in a fight with the town sheriff, but the whole exchange happens behind a wall. For about five minutes, you're prompted to hit the A-button every fifteen seconds or so when it presents you with the option to "pick up gopher repellent" then "use gopher repellent on giant gopher" then "use gopher repellent on giant beaver" or something like that. This whole thing happens with no visuals to back it up, results in a bunch of random stuff added to your inventory, and a joke whose tedium gets in the way of the humour pretty quickly. I do understand that it's funny to have such silly things going on, and I did half-enjoy reading the kinds of shenanigans that were going on behind that wall, but when the gopher repellent that I find back there ends up being crucial to the completion of the game, I just get kind of mad.

And then there's the fact that absolutely nothing you do in the game matters. You go through the trials to become a pirate, but once you do, the pirates you were trying to impress disappear and you're given the new mission of putting together a crew to help (wo)man your rescue mission. As soon as you've got all of them together, they mutiny, and you have to do everything yourself anyway. 93% of what you do and learn is irrelevant beyond its immediate circumstance. And, once you get through it all, you end up standing out on the docks, watching some fireworks, making plans to marry the woman you've had two, count 'em, two conversations with.

Sure, the game's kind of funny, and there's some originality in the puzzles (at least the logically solveable ones), but as far as I can tell, even with shiny new graphics, The Secret Of Monkey Island doesn't deserve the legacy it holds.

Rating: 3.0 stars

LIMBO

Playing LIMBO is simultaneously a nostalgic and an anticipatory experience. It's got the side-scrolly straight-forwardness of games like Super Mario Bros. or Donkey Kong Country, but with a refinement, gloss, and cleverness that clearly date it in this century.

Among these advancements it the continuous stream of the adventure. Assuming that you don't leave the game (which I didn't, for the whole 4 hour experience), there are no levels, chapter breaks, or save points. You just play. And, when you die, which you will, a lot, the game mercifully starts you off right before the danger that ended you. So, if you're anything like me, you can try again and again, convincing yourself that you have the right strategy but you're just not timing things right. With LIMBO, though, the answer is never actually all that tough. The puzzles are clever, and sometimes a little hidden, but they're always straightforward once you figure it out, although this straightforwardness may cause a redness on your forehead from all the facepalming you'll do from not figuring it out earlier.

The game is also quite lovely to look at. Because of this, it's prompting quite a few "video game as art" debates, none of which I will participate in here. I won't pretend to completely understand or use words like "minimalism" or "Chiaroscuro," but I know that the game looks, all the way through, except for some changes of scenery, like the above picture. This constant black-and-white, with little to no music creates a unique (to my knowledge) gaming experience that is memorable, addictive, and sometimes a little unsettling.

In short, I pretty much loved it, and as with most puzzle games, will never be able to enjoy it the same way again. But that's no reason why you shouldn't get it for youself. I can definitely think of worse ways to spend an afternoon.

Rating: 4.0 stars

Mass Effect 2

What prompts a reasonable man to devote over 40 hours of his life to a game? It's not like professional athletes, who are paid to play games. This is a man who has been so absorbed, and become so obsessed, with a video game that spending more than a full work week's worth of time actually feels like a legitimate endeavour. There are feelings of accomplishment that have come from uncovering every hidden achievement, and being able to say that every planet in the Mass Effect 2 universe has been discovered, scanned, and probed for minerals. I am disgusted with myself for the devotion that I put into this game, but I'm also disgusted that I'm not more disgusted. 80% of me is okay with what my life became while I was taking on the role of Commander Shepherd and the other 20% is just pretending, crying out in a protesting-too-much voice that those hours will never be back, but secretly savouring every second of it.

These mixed feelings are also the product of my recent decision to buy a wireless adapter and start playing on-line again on XBox Live. Since that fateful choice, things like achievement have become secretly important in my life. Not to the point where I am going to subsist only on ramen noodles and Mountain Dew Code Red, but I still feel good when that little blip shows up on my screen. Even that, though, is probably too much. After all, it's just a video game. I, unfortunately, though, am turning into a gamer.

Need proof? Not a half hour ago, when playing Left 4 Dead 2 with a co-worker, he told me that he pressed the "X" button instead of pulling the right trigger. So, like a kneejerk reaction, I called him a n00b, without any trace of detachment or irony. The line is blurring between myself and hardcore gamers, and, knowing myself as well as I do, I'm scared. I don't want to be that guy. But, as you may have noticed by my lack of posting anything on this blog for over a week, I was seduced by my XBox. As we speak, I am taking breaks from writing so that I can chop enough wood in Fable II to be able to afford to buy an inn. I even have a little spreadsheet that I did up to figure out how many more logs I'll have to cut. The spreadsheet helps me feel like I'm actually in control of this obsessive behaviour, but it's also glowing out like some kind of quilted beacon of pathetic nerdity. I have a problem. I know that. But I still want to buy that damned inn, and I'll still feel satisfied when I do.

Four paragraphs into this review, and I still haven't said anything about Mass Effect 2. It's not because there isn't anything worth saying, it's more that I'm scared that if I give too much credit to the game, it will validate the fact that I am a giant loser. There must be something wrong with me for me to have enjoyed a game as much as I enjoyed this one? Or maybe, just maybe, it's just a goddamn incredible piece of work.

Mass Effect 2 picks up after the original left off. Commander Shepherd is rockin' out, cruising the galaxy for evil to vanquish when his ship, the Normandy, is attacked by an unknown alien vessel. It attacks and destroys the Normandy, with Shepherd launched into space. There, he is collected by Cerberus (a human-centric terroristic group), who piece him back together and bring him back to life. They rebuild him, because they have the technology. From there, Shepherd joins up with Cerberus to defend against the big bad aliens from the original: The Reapers, a proto-everything race of organic/mechanical hybrids that, for whatever reason, have the habit of introducing their advanced technology to other races just to snatch it all away when the kill the hell out of them.

As confusing as that may sound, it's not the story of ME2 that gets you, it's the stories. Still confused? Allow me to elaborate. ME2 is a dense, layered series of narrative, all brought together into the main story by way of their connection to Shepherd. Whether it's carry-over from the original or brand new material, the main and side quests, with all of their intricate dialogue create much of the thrall of the game.

Speaking of carry-over, one of the things that first blew my mind about ME2 was that your character from the original can be transferred to the new game. I realize this isn't a new phenomenon, but with Shepherd, it feels different. The narrative is carefully laid out to simply feel like the next chapter in the same story. Not only does ME2 remember your character (as well as give you the chance to re-customize its face if you, like me, created a really ugly SOB the first time around), it also remembers all of the choices that you made during the first game. Throughout the whole experience, there are constant reminders about choices and alliances that were made with what seemed to be bit characters, but now have supreme importance for saving the galaxy. These experiences, whether they are cameos or game-changers create an inviting gaming experience, where running into old acquaintances feels, surprisingly enough, like running into old acquaintances.

One major adjustment from the original is the presence of "ammunition." I loved that Mass Effect didn't have any kind of ammo, but rather had the threat of overheating your weapon. For whatever reason, the game has been changed to include "heating packs" (or something like that), which prevent the weapons from overheating. Unfortunately, without heating packs, the guns don't work, ergo, we now have ammo back in the system.

Also new is the ability to participate in cut scenes with morality-laden interruptions. The scene from the trailer is a perfect example. A Renegade (bad guy) Shepherd gets tired of listening to some guy's excuses and, when the option becomes available, BAM!, Shepherd kicks the guy out a window. Whether you're popping caps in people's heads, kicking them out windows, or dishing out hugs, these interruptions give the game an even stronger interactive-movie sort of feeling. You don't feel like you're just following a narrative track. There are chances to really get in there and participate in the story, with life or death implications for other characters.

And, most impressively, those life or death implications feel like they matter. Which gets us back to the main thrust of this review. I cared about these characters, even though even the slightest concern feels like too much caring, and I cared about the mission. At the same time as the multi-faceted dialogue and decision-making elements were allowing me to make Shepherd act like I wanted him to, I was also creating someone who, in a primal, subconscious way, I also wanted to be. Mass Effect 2 is open-ended enough to feel like you're actually crafting a person's personality, but it also creates a sympathy and a distancing that allows the character to be both a playtoy and a fantasy. It's an incredible experience, it's immersive, and it's unbelievably addictive.

Oh, and while I was writing this, I did buy that inn.

Rating: 4.75 stars

Mass Effect

My experience with Mass Effect wasn't one of a man playing a video game. It was a relationship. 32 hours may not sound like much time to the hardcore gamers out there, but when one is trying to plan a wedding, plan and orchestrate a move, work a full-time job, and maintain a fairly crummy blog, there isn't much room for distractions. Well, I made room for Mass Effect.

The game experience begins with, as is the case in many RPG's, character creation. Despite a half-assed effort, I ended up with a pretty damned ugly character. I don't know exactly who I was modelling it after, but if Spike from Buffy and Peter Lorre had a baby, that's who my Commander Shepherd would look like. I also decided to be an Infiltrator, focusing on Sniper Rifles and sneaky badassery. The actual gameplay took awhile to get used to, and I initially felt overwhelmed by my unsteady weapon, as well as an incomplete understanding of the use of the unlockable skills. It wasn't until about 2/3rds of the way through the game that I began to use any of them with regularity. Particularly frustrating, I didn't realize that there was a cannon on top of the vehicle you drive when you land on uncharted planets until I reached the second-last level. I spent far too much time chipping away at enemies with endless rounds of machine gun fire, when one or two rockets would have gotten the job done.

The story is as in-depth as they come. With the combination of a compelling narrative, as well as truly variable decisions that affects the outcome, I ended up feeling a stronger connection to my character than ever before; I actually cared what happened in the game. In nearly every dialogue scenario, there is the option of responding kindly/compassionately (earning you "Paragon" points), indifferently, or cruelly/selfishly (earning you "Renegade" points). Although morality has become a standard tool in RPG's, Mass Effect tempts you to stray from your intended morality, and even forces you to make impossible decisions. Faced with the choice do you allow a known enemy to go free or do you destroy them, wiping out their entire race? Do you chose to protect the government you represent or ignore the needs of those few to eradicate a bigger threat? Through your character, you play God (not literally), and are responsible for the lives of billions, most notably your crew.

There is room for some confusion, as your dialogue options are presented as rough outlines of what you're going to say. On one occasion, for instance, when I chose an option that I thought meant I was going to playfully sass another character, I ended up putting a gun to his head. Generally, the options are clear as to how they'll end up, but once in awhile, your character will spew information, or behave in a way you didn't expect.

Speaking of the crew, much of the talk about Mass Effect has touched on its sexual content. From all of the controversy (as well as the fact that there is an achievement for completing a "romantic story"), I had high expectations about how this was all going to turn out. As it turns out, after 32 hours of flirtation and foreplay, I finally bedded one of my crewmates, with the result being a two-minute dialogue scene, which, given the right choices, results in about two seconds of sideboob. Maybe all the stink was about the fact that you can hook up with a blue alien, or that you can be a lesbian, but I'm sure the envelope hasn't finished being pushed when it comes to sexual content in video games.

The main story isn't particularly long. After visiting four or five planets, you catch up to the guy you're chasing and take him on. The side-quests, however, are plentiful. Generally, they involve going to a planet (with the option of investigating and exploring other areas on the planet), heading to a base (based on one of three models), clearing it of baddies, and reaping the spoils. Sometimes there are further twists, but generally, these side-missions are mini dungeon-crawls. What's remarkable about them is that each comes with a compelling enough story that you're able to still want to do them. Even though you just did a mission on a nearly identical map, the motivation behind it is different, as well as the specializations or species of the enemies you're fighting. Regardless, it's incredibly beneficial to take on these extra quests, as they help bulk up your character in preparation for the main mission. By the time I got around to wrapping up the main story, I was at level 42 and was cutting through bad guys like warm butter. I felt like nothing in the 'verse could stop me.

Some last minute things that made me love the game even more

1) The menus: This game has the greatest pause menu I have ever seen. It is loose and easy to maneuver, without scrolling of any kind. It also assumes which menu screen you want to go to and intuitively highlights it.

2) Benefits from achievements: Instead of just getting bragging rights, completing achievements results in bonuses, whether it's improved armour, weapons, or an increase to the level cap.

3) The "Codex": Pretty much anything you want to know about the world of Mass Effect is explained in this handy menu screen. For primary articles, there is even a narrator who reads them out loud to you. Here, you can learn all about the races you encounter, as well as about the future (the game's history) of mankind.

4) No ammo: As explained in the Codex, the progression of weapons development has allowed for the creation of guns that don't require ammunition. You'll have to check the game to fully explain it (mainly because I don't quite get it), but I am nonetheless grateful for not having to constantly seek out fresh rounds. Instead, there "overheating" which prohibits you from firing too many times in quick succession. The starter sniper rifle, for instance, can only be fired about once per second.

5) The Elcor: This was my absolute favourite alien race in the game. With elephant-like bodies and the inability to speak with inflection, they, instead, state the feeling they wish to convey at the beginning of the sentence.

Example:
Elcor 1 - "Excited: I sincerely hope that there will be strippers at this bachelor party."
Elcor 2 - "Chastising rebuke: Do you not remember the mad case of herpes you got last time?

These creatures are just one (although the best) example of the varied, intricate world that Mass Effect creates. Everything has a history and a philosophy. Even the way too frequent and way too long elevator rides are broken up with public radio broadcasts, often telling the stories of your own exploits.


Mass Effect is a beautiful, elaborate, and nearly perfectly executed game that earned every hour of my time.

Rating: 4.75 stars

Akinator

So, this isn't so much a review as it is a link (aka Internet BJ). Strolling through Pajiba today, I came across a link to a 20-Questions style application called Akinator. It challenges you to think of any real or fictional character and it will try to guess which one you're thinking of.

"Oh yeah," I says, "Let's see if you can figure out who THIS is!" Thinking I was being infinitely clever, by picking WWE wrestler turned UFC fighter Brock Lesnar. 15 guesses later, Akinator had me beat.

Here's what the rest of my tries went like:

Malcolm Reynolds (Firefly) - 18 guesses
Ronald McDonald (McDonalds clown) - 17 guesses
Henry Rollins (musician/speaker) - 28 guesses
Kristen Bell (actor) - 14 guesses
Jesus Christ (alleged godspawn and heck of a nice guy) - 14 guesses
Hank Scorpio (best Simpsons character ever) - 19 guesses
David Fiasher (Six Feet Under) - 30 guesses (20th guess was Brian Kinnay from Queer As Folk)
Gambit (X-Man) - 20 guesses
Wikus Van De Merwe (District 9) - 18 guesses
Frances (Left 4 Dead) - 18 guesses
Robert Paulson (Fight Club) - 18 guesses
Charmander (Pokemon) - 12 guesses
Dr. Alan Grant (Jurassic Park) - 20 guesses
Forrest Griffin (UFC Fighter) - 19 guesses
Benjamin Linus (Lost) - 20 guesses

As you can see, this gets to be a bit of an addiction. So, as the rest of you are playing Farmville, I'll be trying to come up with an obscure enough character, that I can still answer questions about, to beat this damned culturally-endowed piece of wizardry. Rather than finishing this summary, or even think about starting my Aliens review, I keep coming back to this site, trying to outsmart it with my clever, unguessable characters. I am, however, always wrong, and haven't really accomplished anything since seven o'clock this evening.

My only real beef with the process is that it doesn't seem to work consistently. It states when you enter the page, that it can only support so many people playing at once, and during pretty much every other attempt, the whole thing crashes, prompting you to

1) Refresh the window until Akinator eventually does so, and then says something like "Sorry, I got lost, can you come back later?" then "Would you mind starting again?", forcing you to start from the beginning, including having to sign back in.
2) Skipping the refreshing and just going back to the beginning by re-entering the url or refreshing the whole page. It pretty much works the same way, except you don't hold onto any kind of hope that your previous game will be kept.

Even though going through a whole round takes about 3 minutes, the frustration at having to restart does take away from the experience.

After you've finished, you also have the chance to ammend questions, as well as review the details of your game. This includes reminding you of all the questions you were asked, your answer, as well as the answer that Akinator would have expected you to answer with for that character.

If you're like me and have any kind of obsessive personality, for the sake of your soul, stay away from this site. Otherwise: Enjoy. You can play the game by clicking here.

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2

What separates this title from the other games in the series (X-Men Legends, X-Men Legends II: Rise Of Apocalypse, and Marvel: Ultimate Alliance is its in-depth, morally-based story. Otherwise, the only real difference is some tweaking (not always for the best) and a bit of gloss.

Let's start with the story. It begins in Latveria, where S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury enlists the help of a team of superheroes (that's you) to take down the elected prime minister of Latveria, Lucia von Bardas. Apparently, she has been misappropriating the international aid money that America has sent them, using the money to build a technologically advanced army, and eventually destroy America. Still, if it sounds like you're participating in international terrorism, it's because you are. After successfully completing the mission, Fury lets you know, in an off-the-cuff sort of way that your actions weren't actually sanctioned by the government, but that it's okay because it was the right thing to do. Oh, okay, thanks. That makes me feel better.

When the world finds out about this, they get kind of huffy that superheroes feel like they can just do whatever they want, regardless of any kind of sanctions or laws. Later, when over 600 people are killed during a super-powered altercation on live TV, a law is put through called the Superhuman Registration Act, which forces all meta-humans in America to register with the government, and become their police/military bitches. Naturally there's an outcry against this amongst the super-powered community, which causes a division between those who are Pro- and Anti-Registration. At this point, you are given a choice. Both sides do a good job of rallying you to their side, but ultimately you need to chose whether you will go along with the government, or become a rebel, living illegally as an unregistered superhuman.

I took a ridiculously long time to chose. I weighed the pros and cons of joining each side. Even now, after finishing the game, I'm still having reservations about my decision. Ultimately, I made the choice to register, out of an understanding about the concerns that the people must have about the presence of meta-humans. I wasn't comfortable with becoming a pawn and losing my autonomy, but I thought that joining up with the rebels would be more destructive to human/superhuman relations. As it turns out, the game doesn't have any gray area, and your choice assumes a full accordance with the side you've chosen.

For instance, after going Pro-Reg, my side immediately figured that because I was chosing to become part of the system, that I would be fine with the government using mind-control technology to force super-villains to fight on our side. When that happened, I was like "Whoa, that's not what I signed up for" but my only dialogue options at that point were to joke about whether or not their leashes were tight enough.

It ends up not mattering anyway, because once the technology being used to control them develops a mind of its own, all Registrations allegiances are dropped in the face of a new, more dangerous villain. While nice to have everyone back on the same side, it felt like an enormous narrative cop-out to have Captain America and Iron Man (the leaders of the two factions) saying things like "how could we have been so caught up in our own petty differences" after spending so much time trying to get me to invest in their ideology. The last two acts have nothing to do with the Registration, and loses all of its moral depth.

Story aside, the game is otherwise quite similar to the other titles in the series. The gameplay is nearly identical, except for the inclusion of "Fusion" powers, which allow you to combine the powers of two heroes. This combined power has the same effect as the previous titles' 4th unlocked power, in that it either does a ton of damage to one baddie, or clears the room of a swarm.

The camera is still brutal. It's limited, slow to react, leaving you frequently unable to see what you're doing. There were many times when I was trying to get away from a boss, only to have them run up behind me because the camera decided it didn't want to turn.

The characters on your team have a bit of in-game dialogue, which is just as lame as we've come to expect. Stupid puns and self-refential jokes make up most of the in-game sounds. There is a bit of a variety, however, depending on which team you chose. As soon as I became Pro-Reg, my characters started encouraging everyone I was beating up to sign up as well.

Quite often, there are also conversation scenes, where you have to chose how to react to what you've heard. You have the option of responding Diplomatically, Defensively, Aggressively, etc. This has no real impact on the game, except for, after 30 or so answers of one type, you get a rewards.

In MUA2, you can now swap in the middle of combat. I only swapped twice in the whole game, because I like making a team and sticking with it (Gambit (my primary), Wolverine, Spider-man, and Deadpool (Human Torch before Deadpool was unlcoked). Unlike previous titles, which have had puzzles that require solutions from certain character types, this game only had one, which was a vent that was spewing some kind of liquid. A couple of Iceman freezebolts later, and I was on my way, with my regular team.

The RPG aspects of the game are incredibly simplified, to the point where I was upgrading Gambit without really knowing what it was doing. Enhancing his attacks was easy enough, but some of the more vaguely titled upgrades, like "Staff Charge," weren't all that clear.

The game suffers from one big technical issue, having to do with saving. Even though you can save whenever you want, most information gets lost unless you move onto a new map. For instance, there is a "Training" area, which allows you to build up your abilities, and earn some extra rewards. After finishing one, I saved the game and quit, feeling quite satisfied with the shiny gold medal I earned. When I turned it back on, I had not only lost my medal, but the game also forgot about all of the items that I had picked up on that map already. You also have to sit through the intro to the map again, and there's no way to skip it.

Speaking of unskippable scenes, MUA2's cut-scenes were nowhere near what the rest of the series has offered. For the most part, the cutscenes are variations on gameplay, with only a few CG cinematics. After the badassery that was the climax of Age Of Apocalypse, I was pretty disappointed.

There is some redeemable enjoyment to be had for those of the nerd persuasion (and really, who else is playing?). Whether it's Stan Lee's cameo, the in-jokes (Spider-man asking whether his knock-out of a bad guy was more Amazing or Spectacular), or the post-game Hulk humour (he has a funny radio interview at the end, as well as a hidden sound bite of him trying to alleviate his anger by writing and reciting poetry, which he calls "Hulk-kus"), it can be rewarding to pay close attention.

Immediately after finishing, the game prompts you to try it again on a harder difficulty. There's a temptation to do so, and see it again from the other side of the struggle, but by the middle, it's all the same anyway.

Rating: 3.25 stars

Left 4 Dead 2

Rather than go through the hassle of constantly streaming out DLC (downloadable content) for upgrades and enhancements to last year's break-away zombie first-person-shooter, "Left 4 Dead," the decision was made to take all of the great ideas and pack them into a new, stand-alone sequel. The result is "Left 4 Dead 2," a game whose expanded experience, including extra weapons and new zombies, still remains respectful of the spirit of its predecessor. I only have one beef with the game, but we'll get to that. First, let's look at the new features.

Melee Weapons: This has been one of the most talked about portions of the game. Players have the option of dropping their back-up pistol in exchange for much more (or considerably less) bad-ass hand-held weaponry. Options include a frying pan, chainsaw, riot stick, cricket bat, axe, katana, crowbar, machete, and electric guitar. The melee weapons alone offer more of a variety of killing utensils than the entire arsenal of the original game. Unlike the pistols, which were always a last resort, it can be just as enjoyable to take out a tank with a chainsaw as with an AK-47.

New Weapons: Improving on the single upgrade potential (aka submachine gun -> assault rifle), the game offers a variety of gun types. This creates the chance for players to find a favourite weapon, and create primary/melee weapon combos (mine being the combat shotgun/katana mix). The guns in "Left 4 Dead 2" also seem to have less ammo. I cannot remember a time in the first game where I ever had to resort to my pistols, but it's not rare for my combat shotgun to run dry.

New Items: The molotov cocktails and pipe bomb are still here, but now we have the Bile Bomb, which causes zombies to swarm to the affected area. To be honest, I only use it when there's not a Pipe Bomb around, but it can still help in a clinch, without the possible ramifications of being caught on fire or blowing yourself up. There are also alternatives to carrying the familiar health items. Pills can be subbed out for adrenaline, which gives a smaller health boost, but also provides an increase in speed, which comes in incredibly handy when healing or rescuing teammates. The health pack can also be replaced with a defibrillator, which can be used to bring dead Survivors back to life.

New Special Infected: Along with all of the returners (Boomer, Smoker, Hunter, Witch, and Tank), there are three new additions. There's the Spitter, whose acidic spit makes the floor temporarily untraversable. She's really more of an inconvenience than a threat, unless you're being immobilized by a horde. Then there's the Jockey, who giggles and jumps onto your back, leaving you entirely at his mercy to direct you toward danger. Unlike the Hunter, who pins you down, the Jockey keeps you stumbling, usually away from your fellow Survivors, making rescue all the more difficult. Lastly, there's the Charger, a juggernaut who only stops once he's grabbed hold of you and started pounding you into the ground. Easy enough to dispatch, but you can take huge damage if you aren't rescued quickly. Oh, and the Witches now walk around during daytime levels.

New Levels: There are five, count 'em, five new campaigns, with four or five levels each. Each one has its own little twist or particular "uncommon infected." Whether it's a mall, swamp, or carnival, the levels are varied enough with different challenges to keep things interesting. Like with the weapons, you're bound to have your favourites, and the ones you dread repeating. There are also different puzzles and challenges involved with certain levels. In one, you have to carry an item across the level, with the catch that carrying the item means you cannot be wielding a weapon. In others, you have to use an item, which alerts the horde, but in this case, you also have to cross the level, fighting off an unceasing horde, until you hit another switch.

New Game Modes: The new modes, like "Scavenge," are only available to people playing online. This is not something I do, so I have no way of letting you know how the experience is. There's also an intriguing concept called "Realism Mode," which I haven't tampered with, but my understanding is that dead Survivors stay dead, and that you have to kill zombies with headshots.

New Characters: This is a huge matter of contention with myself, as well as with the people with whom I play. I miss the old characters. After clocking so many hours with Louis, Zoey, Bill, and my character, Francis, having anyone else step in feels like blasphemy. Your options this time around are Coach, the token black guy, replacing Louis. Rochelle, replacing Zoey as the token female. Nick is a con man, and Ellis is a mechanic. I don't know whether the new characters are simply lacking the appeal of the original quartet, or if it's just out of devotion, but the whole game experience is noticably less enjoyable because of them. I can understand why the need for new characters was necessary, especially considering the new area (Louisiana), but much of the soul of the first game resided in the banter of its characters.

Overall, "Left 4 Dead 2" is an unquestionable improvement upon the first game, although loyalists, such as myself will probably find themselves going back to the original in order to run through the familiar levels. Even then, I'll likely be disappointed to have to resort to plain old pistols. At the end of a day, getting my combat shotgun and katana is a fair trade for hearing Francis' voice.

Rating: 4.5 stars

Treasure Mountain

Having effectively taken the day off from everything yesterday, I found myself cycling through some old-school computer game sites. Initially the plan was to find something that my fiance and I could just curl up on the couch and play, revelling in nostalgia, ignoring our cold-induced misery. Things didn't really go that way when I got ahold of "Treasure Mountain" and barely left my computer for the rest of the day.

For anyone who doesn't remember it, "Treasure Mountain" is a side-scrolling educational game from The Learning Company. How it works is by capturing elves with a net, who will then ask you a question which you will have to answer correctly in order to earn a clue. These clues lead you toward objects on the level, which you have to throw coins at in order to see what is behind them. The one item on each level that matches all three clues contains a key, which will allow you to move onto the next level. Each game contains three levels and one final stage, where you have to climb a series of ladders in order to confront the Master Of Mischief. Then the process starts over.

The game doesn't really "end" until you have earned 300 "Treasures", which can be found on each level by locating items that only match 2/3 of the clues. Anyone who has played the game remembers this being a seemingly impossible goal, which you come back to the game week after week to accomplish. I did it in one day. After scouring each level, and embarrassingly getting the occasional question wrong, I finally found my 300th treasure, which resulted in not a whole lot different from finishing a regular level. Instead of blowing steam out of his ears, the Master Of Mischief falls out of the window, leaving the crown that he has stolen on a pedestal for you to look at for about three seconds. The game then congratulates you for earning the rank of "Champion" and encourages you to keep playing to see how high you can score. "Never again," I said to narrator butterfly Flutter, "Never again will I scale this mountain."

Nevertheless, as tedious as the process became (it was never meant to be played for as long as I played it), the gradual increasing difficulty of the levels at least keeps things interesting. Certain elves start to steal your coins (the mischievous bastards), bridges start to collapse, and the questions get trickier. They never get what anyone would call "hard," but they make sure that you read the question carefully so that you don't get caught by a trick answer.

That being said, this was a beautiful day in my life. I spent a day rolling in childish wonder, with no responsibilities other than to save Treasure Mountain. I suggest you do the same (search for it at abandonia.com).

Rating: 4.0 stars