The Twilight Saga: New Moon

I've been having a hard time figuring out how to write this review. On the one hand, there are the screaming (literally, and we'll get to that) pre-teens who love the books and movies without understanding them. On the other side of the debate are the people who hate the books and movie because they are popular, teen drama. Then there's me, sitting in the middle, skeptical and ashamed of both sides. I often wonder what my purpose is in life, and now I think that it may be to bridge these two, incompatible factions, to help the fangirls see that there is more to life than Taylor Lautner's abs, and to help the Twilight-haters see that there's more to the movie than the aforementioned washboard. Let the healing begin.

For starters, I would like to describe the experience of seeing "New Moon" on opening night (record-breaking midnight viewing notwithstanding). We had bought our tickets a few days prior, and ended up at a theatre we rarely frequent. Once we arrived (45 minutes before show time), we hemmed and hawed as to whether we should go somewhere else first, or just go in, in order to get a good seat. As it turns out, that 45 minutes was enough to put us at the end of a hundreds-long queue. While waiting, we saw a display set up in the atrium, of a guy dressed up in a spacesuit, in front of a cardboard moon-lander. I can only assume that this was a desperate attempt on behalf of "Planet 51" to draw a younger crowd in, in the face of its inevitable box office demise, grace a Stephanie Meyer's vampire juggernaut.

It goes without saying that 90% of the people in the theatre were females between the ages of eight and fourteen. Another 8% were the mothers/chaperones/older sisters who have likely read the books and were secretly just as excited as their younger counterparts. 1.5% were dads. Then there was me (and the guy behind me) making up the last .5%, the boyfriends. We, the few, the proud, the smug at our willingness to see these kinds of movies with only slight fears of inadequacy.

The movie itself is better than "Twilight" was. Where the acting in "Twilight" was entirely wooden and pseudo-realistic, "New Moon" had a more refined, polished feel. Kristen Stewart is allowed to breathe, and had a believability that had previously been lacking. The chemistry she has with Edward also warms up to about the level of tap water. Their relationship is one of the worst parts of the movie. I know that they are supposed to be this eternal love, but it plays out in a really illogical, unhealthy way. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, girl gets a papercut and is attacked by boy's vampire brother, boy pretends he doesn't like girl anymore so that he can run away without her following him, girl goes into a huge depression that lasts longer than their relationship, girl forgives boy the second he says that he didn't mean it when they run into each other in Italy. This kind of dependence and obsession is not the stuff upon which good relationships are based. I know I'm not the first one to say this, but it still needs to be said. By the end, we're supposed to feel happy that they are back together, but it's impossible to do when you see how mutually psychologically unstable they are. It bothered me in the book, and it bothers me even more in the movie, where any kind of reconciling conversation is glossed over, replaced with a kiss as soon as they see each other again.

Kristen Stewart and Michael Sheen (creepy mother-ucka) aside, the acting is not great. Bella's school friends, as well as certain members of the wolf pack, are especially terrible. Taylor Lautner tries, and is hit-and-miss. He's believable as the supportive best friend, and is able to bring out much more humanity in Bella. When it comes to the more intense, passionate side of things, the eyes tend to roll.

While we're on the subject of Taylor Lautner, here is a short list of the audience's loudest reactions.

3. Our first glimpse of Taylor Lautner's arm.

2. Our first shot of Edward. He is walking in slow motion, with his shirt billowing, toward Bella.

1. When Taylor Lautner rips his shirt off in order to dab it onto Bella's bleeding head.

Sadly enough for Robert Pattinson, the only sounds I heard when he takes off his shirt was someone going "ew."

I found these reactions kind of troubling as well. As a guy, I have been thoroughly discouraged from making noises in reference to women's attractiveness. As it turns out, this was part of a female conspiracy to deny men the enjoyment of looking at women, while considering it altogether healthy for, during the closing credits, a 30-year old mom to preach to the 4 or 5 teeny-boppers with her how glorious Lautner's (age 17) body is.

I suppose at some point, I should now make a case on behalf of these screaming girls for why "New Moon" doesn't suck as hard as people think. For starters, I should make the point that it's not the as good as Shawn Edwards (the guy responsible for the 4-star rating in the trailer) claims it is (he also thought that "Crossroads" was the perfect teen movie), nor is it "omg !best moive ever ♥jacob♥ 4evs!!!!!" but it's not terrible. As of this writing, my rating has bumped its score on http://www.rateyourmusic.com from an average 1.5 stars to a 1.66 (out of 5). Imdb has it at a 4.2. These are remarkably low scores, particularly for a movie that by no means fails in doing what it set out to do.

It's a fun movie to watch, with increasingly lovable characters. A familiarity with the source material certainly helps with an appreciation, but it's hard to not get caught up in the fraternity of the wolfpack or Alice's spritelike jubilance. It's also (to quote Bella) "kind of beautiful." The cinematography, particularly during the action sequences, creates a pleasant viewing experience. It's also kind of funny, with choice characters getting in occasional one-liners to ease the tension.

The wolves look amazing, and their first appearance is a little bit exhilerating but then again that may be my inner fanboy crying out.

"The Twilight Saga: New Moon" is an effective, fair translation of the novel whose slightly better than okay-ness generally outweighs its shortcomings.

Rating: 3.0 stars